Having recently traveled to Southern California for the annual Natural Products Exposition,
I come to you today to recommend a product that I believe has the potential to change the world. In this era of energy drinks, Double Downs, and cola-flavored milk, I have longed for a simple, natural product that combines the great taste of beef with the caffeine of double grande frappuccino.
Well, friends, I found it, and I just couldn't be more pleased to recommend it to you. It's called Perky Jerky, and did they have me in mind when they came up this.
Like the new Window's 7 TV commercial where French people take credit for inventing Windows, I fucking invented this. Delicious, all-natural beef jerky spiked with caffeine and guarana. I don't even know what the hell guarana is, and frankly I don't care.
There is just no bad time for this product. It's great for breakfast, I love it for those mid-afternoon, I-am-going-to-crawl-under-my-desk-and-nap moments, and instead of a relaxing cup of coffee after a fabulous dinner, pass me the damn Perky Jerky.
What is so lacking in our food products today is innovation. To hell with kale. Kale is the same as it was 10 years ago, 20 years—I bet the damn Pilgrims ate kale. They sure as hell weren't eating Perky Jerky, 'cause if they were you know what we'd be eating for Thanksgiving.
And to celebrate the return of the semi-regular, ongoing series of Yachtsman Recommends, I am going to give away a pack of Perky Jerky. The rules are easy: send an email to gruelfordinner [at] gmail [dot] com and you will be entered into the contest. At midnight, on Wednesday the 28th of April, one name will drawn at random from a large, funny hat. Good luck.
—The Yachtsman
