Monday, May 11, 2009

things i wish i'd never learned but feel compelled to share with you

This piece of disturbing news almost made me throw out the bar of dark chocolate from which I feed daily. Apparently some entomologist went off half-cocked on NPR's Fresh Air last week and announced that chocolate and preground coffee are full of roach parts. (Someone should kill that guy, or at least slash his tires, but since I cannot leave the house without caffeine and such bad news requires the comfort of dark chocolate to carry on, I will not be able to assassinate or stalk him; I'm counting on one of the seven of you to show a little more fortitude.)

Since then various internet people have noted that a certain amount of "insect filth," among other things, is permitted by the FDA in our food. And if you go to this FDA website (which, frankly, I do not recommend), you'll notice that the Food & Drug Administration also has no problem with a certain amount of "mammalian excreta" (most of the spices in your cupboard) and rodent filth (my precious chocolate) and maggots (canned tomatoes).

Don't kill this messenger, my friends, and please don't slash her tires, either. Instead consider growing some cacao beans in your backyard garden and making her a bar of localvore, rodent-filth-free chocolate before she loses the will to go on or decides that a couple of rat hairs a day never hurt anyone; I'm not sure which is worse.


  1. It goes without saying that this is both disturbing and not at all life-changing. I too, snack daily on a large bar of chocolate. Of late, Lindt's dark chocolate-chili variety has been my vice.

    But I've rationalized with the following virtues:
    1) A recent study says dark choc properties may soon outweigh those of penicillin. And given my allergy to the 'cillin' family, I am obligated to try all alternatives.
    2) Spicy foods improve metabolism and therefore will make me skinny.
    3) And most importantly, it WAS a gift and it would be rude NOT to eat it.

    So in light of the newest chocolate/government conspiracy and if you follow my logic, I suggest you swallow easier with the following rationalizations:
    1) According to, roaches have a much higher meat to shell ratio than crickets, super worms, or meal worms! Tada- additional protein we didn't even know we were getting!
    2) The benefits of the caffeine from our beloved DC, far outweigh the 'ick factor'.
    3) And, when has anything on NPR EVER been true, really!?

    Chocolate is for lovers. Amen.

  2. Sigh. I have dealt with this roach panic thing at least 3 times in my forever life. Not once have I backed off from chocolate and the happy result is an even happier immune system. It's not a question of whether we eat insects, but the size. As long as I can't feel them in my mouth, all is good with the world (and the chocolate.) Take it from a true biddie...and be brave little soldier.

  3. A few rat hairs never hurt anybody and, as EBiddie points out, probably even help build our immune systems.

    Plus, most of us are already brushing our teeth with HUMAN fecal matter. Have we already discussed this? Every time you flush your toilet, shit/piss particles launch from the toilet water into the air, settling on your toothbrush--sitting on the counter, uncovered, yes? Protect your toothbrushes, folks!

  4. Yay, Stephanie! Your logic makes more sense than slashing the tires of the bug guy, & tastes better, too. Now if you can just rationalize this chocolate WITH BACON...