Friday, June 5, 2009

old dog, new tricks

My dog has a couple of bad habits. For example, he will eat any food left unattended on the coffee table in our living room -- he has stolen cheese off the cheese plate at parties, licked the scrambled eggs off my toast, taken the crust of a slice of pizza in his mouth, slid it off the plate, and taken it back to his cave. He's sneaky, has bad manners, and can't be trusted.

Something similar happened yesterday with my mother-in-law. We were sitting at the park across the street from the Shopping Bag, a tiny, hole-in-the-wall market that has the best burger in Vermont, according to the Food Network. My mother-in-law foolishly left her half-eaten hamburger in her lap, and like an animal, I grabbed it when she wasn't looking and inhaled the whole thing in a matter of seconds.

My mother-in-law did not scold me or tell me go lie down, but I think the yachtsman is thinking of sending me to obedience school.

[I should mention here that other than a few tastes, which disgusted me, I haven't eaten beef in eighteen years. I should also mention that this burger was the best thing I've ever put in my mouth, and if my mother-in-law had tried to take it away from me, I would have bitten her.]

I obviously can never go in or near the Shopping Bag again, because I would probably climb over the counter and rape the nice man flipping the burgers. But if you are in the area, I highly recommend you do (order the burger, not rape its maker). Ask for the Scibek Sizzler. Bring mace.


  1. hm. i'll have to try that -- i had no idea such a place existed. i was thinking about going to the scuffer tonight to try out their burgers and onion rings. ever since fry fest i can't stop craving them. paul and i want in on the next fry fest!

  2. RiRa has half-price burger day on Wednesdays. Any burger and fry combination = $5! MeatMan had a bleu cheese-mushroom burger this week (at least that's what it tasted like when I exhibited similar dog-like, snatching behaviors on his plate).

    I'd also add that when I talked to him an hour before this menu decision, he had said that he wasn't hungry. When asked yesterday why he chose to eat a giant beef sandwich & fries when not hungry, he responded: "Well, I wasn't hungry then. And I knew I'd probably be hungry later and then I'd buy something that was more expensive and less delicious.... so I just ate there."

    We have very different perspectives on food.

  3. Other things you need to know about the Scibek Sizzler, which I just devoured for lunch:

    A full half pound of meat. When I ordered, the kind, ample, behind-the-cash-register woman looked up and said, "Are you really sure?" I nodded bravely and she said, "I'm telling them to cut it in half."

    It comes with (literally) a 2 inch stack of napkins....and you need every one of them.

    Additions I could identify were mayo, mustard, 2 kinds of pickles (grilled, no less), cheese, vidalia onions sliced paper thin and not overpowering, lettuce, bacon..who knows what else. These were something of a surprise since I am definitely a mostly plain, simple burger eater. But I will never view a hamburger as simple again.

    By the way, both halves are gone, the napkins can never be recycled, my keyboard is greasy, and I need a nap.

  4. Usually those "best of" things are a disappointment. Not this. But trust me, Kate, you will not want to jump across the counter. The man makes a good burger, but......

  5. Oh the mistakes I have made.

    Meat Man and I were in search of a cheap, easy dinner solution last night and the Scibec Sizzler became our final decision. I ate ONE HALF of said burger and I became the equivalent of a rusty Radio Flyer at Higher Ground last night - I kept moaning and not moving well, at all. The other half of "that thing" is still in the refrigerator and I plan on making the same mistake for lunch. Damn you, Shopping Bag.

  6. S, I'm not sure if I have more or less respect for you, knowing you ate only half of the burger. And I'm not sure whether I have more or less respect for you, knowing you're going to eat the other half cold out of the fridge. Please let us know how that goes (I assume it won't be pretty).

  7. Status update: I have not yet eaten the cold half of the Sizzler. I'm not sure I'm even over the first half. (I don't blame you for feeling ambiguously respectful of me, Kate. I can't say I lived up to my own personal eating standards this weekend.) I felt nauseated all THIS morning. Perhaps it's due to the massive amounts of PBR consumed yesterday or the beer brats or Saturday's Shopping Bag indulgence. Any way I cut it, I feel like a less attractive woman this Monday.

  8. I'll add that MeatMan returned to the SB today with 2 friends and ate a whole Sizzler. They're addictive, evidently!

  9. I think you should throw the cold 1/2 Sizzler away, lest you decide after a few PBRs that it would make a good midnight snack.

  10. I did not read this post until this morning - approximately 14 hours after consuming the cold 1/2 burger. I will report: do not underestimate the refrigerated Sizzler. It was phenomenal. The bacon was a bit tough and the onions were far more potent than they were at first, but all-in-all, I approve.

  11. Wow, StephFace, you're hardcore. I guess I do respect you more. No, less. No, wait, more. Definitely more.