Wednesday, July 22, 2009

[martha stewart] living high on the hog

If I were Martha Stewart, which I basically am, I would have a section of this bl*g called "Good Things."

Good Things
The littlest sister crocheted me a scarf, which I predict will be an integral element of my Couch Jedi outfit this winter.

New vegetable brush: I no longer have to use my fingernails to scrape the dirt from carrots.

Pork to the motherf*cking chop.

That's right, bitches! We are Americans in this house. We eat pork chops for dinner. Meat and motherf*cking potatoes. We listen to Wayne Brooks or whoever and hunt moose on the weekends and voted for John motherf*ckin' McCain. There was corn. From the motherf*ckin' Heartland. Of America.

Am I reminding you of Martha motherf*ckin' Stewart right now?

I thought so.

Here's the story, dear readers. I ran into my friend Jonathan a couple of weeks ago at the farmers market, and he recommended pork chops from Boucher Family Farm, where, according to Jonathan, "their pigs live happy piggy lives until they practically beg to be put down and butchered so we can enjoy their wonderful porkiness." Which is how I like my pork: happy. To die.

This past Saturday, I followed Jonathan's suggestion. Because I've never cooked pork (or, with the exception of a chicken-roasting debacle a few years ago when I was still a leftie vegetarian Democrat, meat) before, I asked the nice lady at Boucher if she had any pork-cooking suggestions. She recommended Shake-n-Bake. Which, frankly, is a little more Sarah Palin than Martha Stewart, so I e-mailed Jonathan for advice. He had numerous brilliant ideas. I decided on "heat a sturdy pan, film with olive oil, sear both sides of the chops for about 4 minutes total, reduce heat, add about a 1/2 cup of liquid (wine, sherry, chicken or beef broth), cover and cook for 10 - 15 minutes turning the chops once or twice, add additional seasonings (lemon or vinegar, parsley or garlic or shallot, pepper and salt, apples or dijon mustard, a touch of worcestershire sauce -- you get the picture). You can also remove the chops and then reduce the sauce if you want it thicker."

And then I decided I had too much work to do any cooking, so I put my Texas-born husband on the case and proofread while he made me some pork chops. And roasted potatoes. And fresh corn. And motherf*ckin' blueberry buckle for dessert.

Worth clearing the motherf*ckin' table for.

Pork, corn, potatoes, blueberries, butter, flour, and tapwater: All from Vermont.


  1. Holy Shizazzle! Those chops look motherf*cking delicious!!!

  2. I like how shiny your motherf*ckin' meal looks. "It's a good thing!"

  3. Oh & I wished for a mothereffing vegetable brush (which I didn't know existed before today) at lunch today. Instead I followed this procedure:
    1) Remove carrots from fridge drawer.
    2) Rinse carrots under running water for 30 seconds.
    3) Break off little tail thing & tops - feed to piggy.
    4) Use paper towel & dry off carrot like inept porn star (you get the idea).
    5) Dip into favorite Asian dressing & take large bites.

    Farmers market lunches are the best...

  4. After you sear them bitches you should try my old high school recipe " the slow bake" for like 40 mins at around 400.

  5. StephFace, that's the procedure I've been following most of my adult life (minus the piggy). But after admiring the vegetable brushes of others, I decided it was time to invest the 99 cents and buy my own. I suggest you do the same, unless you're looking to hone your carrot-drying skillz.

    See, Anonymous, my old high school recipe called "the slow bake" involved a baggie of weed stolen from the lady I babysat for, a box of CheezIts, and 40 minutes at 420. But you were cooking pork chops: I'm impressed.