Wednesday, July 22, 2009
you're gonna love my nuts
It's been a long time since I sat in my Couch Jedi outfit at a kitchen table covered with crap and ate gruel a la nuts for dinner. But it's raining (again, still), I haven't had a day off in over a week (which to a Couch Jedi is like not having a day off for almost a year), and our apartment is a veritable sty (the place looks like it's been burglarized and then abandoned and then squatted in: Dirty laundry, random pieces of paper, weeks worth of mail, and other random items spilling from drawers, strewn across furniture, and stacked haphazardly on every available surface; actual piles of dirt, in addition to the customary tufts of dog hair, in all the corners, and a buildup of dust so thick we're gonna need a shovel to get it up; bathrooms the conditions of which I dare not speak).
A normal person would have come home from her ten-hour day (which to a Couch Jedi is like working an eighteen-hour day. In a coalmine.), picked up the house, gone for a jog, made something fresh and summery for dinner, and then spent the evening at the piano playing show tunes while her husband sang along. A Couch Jedi, on the other hand, would strike this normal person down with a light saber, pull on a pair of fleece pants, make gruel a la nuts for dinner, and then retire to the couch for an evening of television watching.
The perfect dessert, of course, would be a nice little serving of Chuck Bass, but the yachtsman isn't having it. He wants to watch a British documentary television program from the nineties about squirrels. Which to a Couch Jedi is like being forced to watch My Dinner With Andre twenty times in a row while being hit in the head with a brick.