Wednesday, September 16, 2009

it's even better than bl*gging

Do you want to know what the yachtsman is doing right now? He is singing T. Pain lyrics into his new iPhone app while he makes a frozen mudslide from a TGIFridays mix (just add ice!). I wish I could tell you I disdain these kinds of plebeian activities, but I've been spending most of my time lately reading the Twilight books.

The yachtsman: "Honey, do you wanna hear me sing 'I'm in Love With a Stripper'?"

That's right, the Twilight books. Awhile back I made a Faustian bargain with my friend M. LaBee: He would watch the television masterpiece Gossip Girl; in exchange, I would read Twilight. Frankly, the trade seemed unfair. I knew M. would love Gossip Girl, and I knew I wouldn't like Twilight, but I agreed to the deal because I am a generous, self-sacrificing person.

So M. started watching Gossip Girl, and loved it as much as I knew he would, and I avoided reading Twilight, because I knew the writing would be terrible, and even though my favorite movie when I was fifteen was The Lost Boys and my favorite song was "Bela Lugosi's Dead," the idea of a teenage vampire romance sounded a little, well, nauseating.

And it is pretty bad. Every male has a husky voice and there are far, far too many smoldering eyes, the plots are pretty transparent, and it's hard to ignore the teen abstinence theme. But I don't care. I'm hooked. Like, on crack, hooked. I literally started to have a panic attack yesterday at the bookstore when I went to buy the third book and couldn't find it (when I did find it, I had the cashier double bag my purchase so if I ran into anyone I knew I wouldn't have to claim that I'd bought it for a friend and could quit any time I wanted).

Don't get me wrong: I'm not recommending that you read these books, just like I wouldn't tell you all to go out and eat a wonderful little dessert called Twinkies. But Twilight is pretty much the only reason I'm getting out of bed these days. It's better than working, it's better than crying, it's better than thinking, it's better, even, than sleeping. So if you ever want to get lost for a little while and have already watched both seasons of Gossip Girl, try a little abstinent teenage vampire escapism. Or, turn on your T. Pain app, make a mudslide, and start singing.

14 comments:

  1. Confession... I, too, got strong-armed into reading the first book. I, too, rolled my eyes at every page and acted uninterested and inconvenienced . Then, I, too, PURCHASED the subsequent book and proceeded to borrow books 3 and 4. I, too, only allowed myself to read these books in the solitude of my own room - never in public. And although I have to say it dragged for some prolonged periods of time, I, too, felt strangely anxious to continue on. It is a force greater than I was prepared to resist. I am continuing to stand my ground in my refusal to see the movies. We shall see if I have the strength.....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Twilight books? There are Twilight books? I've never even heard of the Twilight books, and I most certainly didn't go to work unshowered because I was up all night reading the Twilight books...more than once...

    ReplyDelete
  3. i claimed i was reading the book for research purposes -- to see what all the hype was about. poor writing, annoying backboneless heroine who chooses the wrong guy -- and yet, i ate those books up like a whole chocolate cake, and can't wait to see the next movie. glad something is making you feel better.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my god. Am I supposed to be ashamed of my love for Twilight?!?!?! I am a totally unabashed lover of the Twilight saga!! I will shout it from the rooftops people. Free yourselves from the tyranny of your shame.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That tricky M. Labee got me hooked on Twilight too. I think I clocked in at a shameful 4 days reading time... for the series. Whenever I came into work looking less than well rested I would sheepishly say "oh the neighbors have been keeping me awake at night so I haven't been sleeping much". So now you all know... Hi my name is Banana, and I am a recovering Twilight addict.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh my god, please tell me you people are at least checking this trash out of the library or buying it used, and not purchasing it new and therefore financially supporting that chastely Mormon hag priestess and her thinly veiled True Love Waits megasermon. Put down this filth and go watch Big Love, or better yet the Dustin Lance Black sex tape--now there's an excellent (fallen) Mormon writer to whose apparent views on chastity I can relate.

    Kate, I am only giving you a free pass because desperate times do indeed call for the MOST desperate of measures. Such as the return of Gossip Girl this week, which I hope for you felt like a salve.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tricky, tricky tricky...and you ain't seen nothin' yet! Wait till I get your husband hooked! You tell him he's next!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Does this mean you are permanently off my case for reading all 14 Janet Evanavich books featuring Stephanie Plum?

    ReplyDelete
  9. My cultural valley is so wide that I have not only read all the Twilight books, but I have seen all of Big Love and treated myself to some Dustin Lance Black boo-tay as well.

    How can I resist a teenage vampire story, sex or no? Maybe you should try it J Quizzle! The first one is free. All the cool kids are doing it!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Mojie, you have always been my kind of Renaissance Woman.

    Actually, from what I understand all the cool kids (EBiddie and, ahem, a certain Quizzle) are reading Charles Baxter and baking molasses cookies.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Listen, all you people commenting on the Twilight books, blah blah. You better check out the damn I am T Pain iPhone app. That is so much cooler than Twilight.

    -The Yachtsman

    ReplyDelete
  12. The Yachtsman forced me into checking out the T Pain app last night. It is remarkably cool - T Pain aside.

    J Quizzle - I am Renaissance Woman, hear me roar!

    Also, I don't know why you would think for even a second that you and EBiddie are the cool kids when I clearly kicked your asses on the playground after school yesterday.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I don't know - a teenage vampire novel with a complicated subtext AND a mudslide sound like a pretty good combination - add a warm sandy beach and it sounds like a vacation!

    Great seeing you Thursday night. Fun blog!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I've just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete