Do you want to know what the yachtsman is doing right now? He is singing T. Pain lyrics into his new iPhone app while he makes a frozen mudslide from a TGIFridays mix (just add ice!). I wish I could tell you I disdain these kinds of plebeian activities, but I've been spending most of my time lately reading the Twilight books.
The yachtsman: "Honey, do you wanna hear me sing 'I'm in Love With a Stripper'?"
That's right, the Twilight books. Awhile back I made a Faustian bargain with my friend M. LaBee: He would watch the television masterpiece Gossip Girl; in exchange, I would read Twilight. Frankly, the trade seemed unfair. I knew M. would love Gossip Girl, and I knew I wouldn't like Twilight, but I agreed to the deal because I am a generous, self-sacrificing person.
So M. started watching Gossip Girl, and loved it as much as I knew he would, and I avoided reading Twilight, because I knew the writing would be terrible, and even though my favorite movie when I was fifteen was The Lost Boys and my favorite song was "Bela Lugosi's Dead," the idea of a teenage vampire romance sounded a little, well, nauseating.
And it is pretty bad. Every male has a husky voice and there are far, far too many smoldering eyes, the plots are pretty transparent, and it's hard to ignore the teen abstinence theme. But I don't care. I'm hooked. Like, on crack, hooked. I literally started to have a panic attack yesterday at the bookstore when I went to buy the third book and couldn't find it (when I did find it, I had the cashier double bag my purchase so if I ran into anyone I knew I wouldn't have to claim that I'd bought it for a friend and could quit any time I wanted).
Don't get me wrong: I'm not recommending that you read these books, just like I wouldn't tell you all to go out and eat a wonderful little dessert called Twinkies. But Twilight is pretty much the only reason I'm getting out of bed these days. It's better than working, it's better than crying, it's better than thinking, it's better, even, than sleeping. So if you ever want to get lost for a little while and have already watched both seasons of Gossip Girl, try a little abstinent teenage vampire escapism. Or, turn on your T. Pain app, make a mudslide, and start singing.