the crips. the bloods. the crouton makers.

My stepsister-in-law is pretty tough. For example, if she were the leader of a gang, her gang's color would be pink, and if you showed up in her 'hood wearing, say, purple, she would cut you. With her needlepoint needle. And gang initiations would involve quilting, antiquing, and a Scrabble deathmatch. The woman is hardcore. So when she recently threatened to stop making me her special croutons unless I posted them on the bl*g, I took her seriously.

So here we go.

Croutons. I can usually take or leave them. I generally don't add them to salads at home, and in restaurants I pick around them. But these croutons are special. My stepsister-in-law made me a batch for my birthday this year; her intention, I believe, was that I toss them with salad or float them in soup. But instead I ate them like they were potato chips. Taking a handful from the cupboard and nibbling while I worked. Just a couple with my lunch. Et cetera.

Since then, I've actually had these croutons on my stepsister-in-law's delicious caesar salad and with my favorite tomato soup. And they're quite nice. But when she makes the batch I am owed for this post, I will stand in my kitchen wearing my pink bandanna eating croutons in handfuls.

Herbed Garlic and Parmesan Croutons

3-4 large garlic cloves, minced (depends on how garlicky you want them to be)
1 teaspoon dried oregano, crumbled
1 teaspoon dried basil, crumbled
1 teaspoon dried thyme, crumbled
1/2 teaspoon salt plus additional to taste
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/2 cup olive oil
1 Red Hen seeded baguette (the best bread to use), cut into 3/4-inch cubes (about 7 cups) (or whatever size you want your croutons to be)
1/4 cup finely grated fresh Parmesan

In a small saucepan combine the garlic, oregano, basil, thyme, 1/2 teaspoon salt, pepper, and oil and simmer the mixture for about 5 minutes. In a bowl toss the bread cubes with the oil mixture, spread them in a jelly-roll pan (or just a cookie sheet), and bake them in the middle of a preheated 350°F oven for 8 minutes. Sprinkle the croutons with the Parmesan and bake them for 7 minutes more, or until they are golden. Sprinkle the croutons with the additional salt (if you want) and let them cool. The croutons keep in an airtight container for 1 week. Serve the croutons as a topping for tossed green salad - or eat as you would potato chips. 1 tip - we have found that using a slightly stale baguette makes the croutons a little more crunchy - but it is harder to cut the cubes. Therefore, sometimes I buy a fresh loaf, cut the cubes and let them sit for a day (or so) and them make the croutons.

And in case you're interested in eating them with a good salad, I highly recommend my stepsister-in-law's caesar. And I'm not saying that because she threatened to put a cap in my ass. It is, in fact, my very favorite caesar salad.

Caesar Dressing

Put into blender:
1 egg
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
2 cloves garlic (or more if you like)
1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
salt and pepper to taste

Blend those ingredients and then add 1/2 cup oil (while blender is on) and blend again.
Most importantly, it needs to set for at least 1 hour in the fridge before use (it's pretty tasteless if you use it before 1 hour). It will then keep for at least a week in a closed jar, so you can have salad several times.

the mall

Chris and I went to the mall the other night (our first mistake) to go the AT&T store (our second mistake), which was like walking through the insane asylum to buy a phone at the freak show.

I saw three different people at the mall wearing slippers, and it wasn't like I stumbled into the middle of a gang of slipper-wearers: These were three separate slipper-wearing individuals. Admittedly I'm not in a position to judge, given the fact that I walk around my building (and sometimes the park across the street from my house) in my couch Jedi outfit. And yet I do judge. Even I put on shoes to go to the depressing, fluorescently lit wasteland that is the Burlington Square Mall! Granted, I don't brush my hair or teeth, and I think it's perfectly acceptable to wear pajama bottoms that bear a passing resemblance to pants. But c'mon now. No shirt, no shoes, no shuffling around the mall.

But the greater mall was nothing compared to the AT&T store, which was PACKED, mostly with stoned fifteen-year-old boys using the web-enabled phones to check their e-mail, listen to music, and look at porn. There was also a long line of unruly customers and only two employees, so we had to wait for quite some time, during which I kept sneaking out of the store and curling into the fetal position behind a massive fake potted plant. Chris, apparently thinking I was trying to get a game of hide-n-seek going, kept finding me.

Other visitors to the store included a prepubescent girl wearing an adorable pink teeshirt that said "SLUT" in sparkly letters, a toothless pregnant man, and a woman with knee-high, spiked-heeled boots and peroxide-orange hair who came in and immediately started yelling to the employees, both of whom were helping other people, that one of her "clients" had stolen her phone. I of course assumed she was a prostitute, but it turns out she was a hairdresser, which I know because she could not stop talking loudly to herself about her misfortunes while walking in tight little (probably cocaine-induced) circles.

All of which is to say that I have a new phone.

blame it on the rain

DC was...rainy. And cold. Yes, we were there for the two days between October and June when it was nicer in Vermont than it was in DC. But it was lovely to see old friends and new babies, and not a speck of gruel was eaten (except by John Shumaker, who is currently a vegan due to a lost Super Bowl bet; he appears to be subsisting almost entirely on white foods -- grits, home fries, tofu, hemp milk, pretzels, oatmeal, toast -- because according to John, fruits and vegetables are for the weak).

Chris and vegan gangbanger jshu

Did I mention that there was lots of coughing?
And lots of hand sanitizing by tha vanilla chris milla.