Tuesday, April 14, 2009

the mall

Chris and I went to the mall the other night (our first mistake) to go the AT&T store (our second mistake), which was like walking through the insane asylum to buy a phone at the freak show.

I saw three different people at the mall wearing slippers, and it wasn't like I stumbled into the middle of a gang of slipper-wearers: These were three separate slipper-wearing individuals. Admittedly I'm not in a position to judge, given the fact that I walk around my building (and sometimes the park across the street from my house) in my couch Jedi outfit. And yet I do judge. Even I put on shoes to go to the depressing, fluorescently lit wasteland that is the Burlington Square Mall! Granted, I don't brush my hair or teeth, and I think it's perfectly acceptable to wear pajama bottoms that bear a passing resemblance to pants. But c'mon now. No shirt, no shoes, no shuffling around the mall.

But the greater mall was nothing compared to the AT&T store, which was PACKED, mostly with stoned fifteen-year-old boys using the web-enabled phones to check their e-mail, listen to music, and look at porn. There was also a long line of unruly customers and only two employees, so we had to wait for quite some time, during which I kept sneaking out of the store and curling into the fetal position behind a massive fake potted plant. Chris, apparently thinking I was trying to get a game of hide-n-seek going, kept finding me.

Other visitors to the store included a prepubescent girl wearing an adorable pink teeshirt that said "SLUT" in sparkly letters, a toothless pregnant man, and a woman with knee-high, spiked-heeled boots and peroxide-orange hair who came in and immediately started yelling to the employees, both of whom were helping other people, that one of her "clients" had stolen her phone. I of course assumed she was a prostitute, but it turns out she was a hairdresser, which I know because she could not stop talking loudly to herself about her misfortunes while walking in tight little (probably cocaine-induced) circles.

All of which is to say that I have a new phone.


  1. So, let's look at the positives.... You may have found yourself a new hairdresser, an adorable pink slutty dogsitter/walker for Abe, and an abundance of fellow cell users to put in "your circle" on that brand new phone of yours. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what role to offer the pregnant man - I will need to find out more about his interests and talents.

  2. Who knew one could (almost) get away with the mall slipper thing? Mine are so ratty looking, though, I'd probably have to stop and buy some new ones the minute I got inside from the parking lot.

    And, after yesterday's topic, I wondered if you'd read "Middlesex". Recommended, if you haven't.

  3. Ah, Challah; I can always count on you and your half-full cup. Thank god you're not a cynical beeatch like myself.

    And hello, SueShu! Maybe all those people were actually slipper shopping; I'm not sure your slippers could be any rattier than what I saw at the mall. And I have not read Middlesex, although my Greek stepmother has and loved it, so I'll have to check it out.

  4. I need more information on this pregnant-man thing. I lost some pretty serious writing time over that this afternoon. Was that a typo, or is Vermont SO liberal that it, like, caused a dude to grow a womb?

    Also, I'd like to request a post on Mel Gibson's divorce. I need more information on that as well. You'd really be helping me out. Killing two birds with one stone, is what I think they call it.

  5. By all appearances the man was pregnant, though I did not perform an in-store sonogram, so I cannot attest to the fact that there was a baby in that belly; it may well have been beer. One way or the other, he was pretty far along.

    As much as I love to kill birds with stones, I think Mojie is probably the best candidate for writing a post on Mel Gibson's divorce. I just googled him and learned that he has seven kids. He really IS Catholic!

  6. Wondering if it's true that SOMEONE (won't mention K8's name...) has a new iPhone?? And if that SOMEONE read this:


    A bl*g by another gal who just got a device with a "tarty little face"...


  7. Well, Jquizzle, I have often thought of starting my own blog to share my opinions on the rich and famous and their goings on. Not so much reporting the star news, more a commentary on it.

    Here is what I can tell you on the Gibson divorce. They have actually been separated since June 2007 - one month post anti-semitic meltdown arrest on Mel's part. Seems like the wife made a good choice here.

    It seems to me the wife is sick of being tethered to this looney toon and finally went for the divorce. She probably wants to date other people but since they are super, duper, uber crazy catholics, she can't do it whilst still married to the cuckoo bird.

    Not much drama involved, they seem to have worked out the custody and money stuff on their own pretty much. If he has half a damn brain he won't try to change whatever arrangement they have when finalizing the divorce because my feeling is she could pretty easily get her hands on their kids and all his money. Let's be honest, she deserves all his money for putting up with all his shenanigans.

  8. Sorry, the original split was in 06, not 07!

  9. Sue Shu, I do have an iPhone, and much like the lady in that excellent bl*g post, I clearly don't appreciate it as much as I should (or as much as my husband does). It really does have a tarty little face, and it really is impossible to type with!